


Worth It

by upincloudnine



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Mark Lee (NCT), Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Relationship Problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:48:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24355327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/upincloudnine/pseuds/upincloudnine
Summary: [TRIGGER WARNING] this story does focus on the way anxiety affects relationships and a panic attack is mentioned but there is very little detail surrounding it.Sometimes Donghyuck’s anxiety gets the best of him but Mark would never let that ruin their relationship.Alternatively, Mark learning all the ways anxiety affects not only Donghyuck’s relationships but his life so that he can help.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on my experience with my own anxiety but please understand anxiety affects different people in different ways. Panic attacks also manifest in different ways for different people.
> 
> Also the time period this is written in is over 3 years into their relationship so it's not as if they just started dating and all of this is happening.

Mark quietly opens the door to their shared dorm, so he doesn’t wake up any of his members. As he closes the door behind, he takes note of the shadowy figure sitting on their sofa.  


“Where were you?” Donghyuck said, turning to face Mark. “I texted you hours ago and you didn’t respond.”  


“I’m sorry babe. I was out with Daniel and some other friends. I forgot to respond.” Mark replied, slowly grabbing a tissue to wipe away the tear tracks on his love’s face.  


“Okay. I’m going to bed.” He moves to block Mark’s hand. “I’m tired.”  


As if he was burned, Mark pulls back his hand and watches as Donghyuck walks back to their shared room.  


Silently, Mark follows the other to the room. “Baby, I’m sorry. I know how much I must have worried you.” This wasn’t the first time that Donghyuck closed himself off like this to Mark.  


“I thought I had done something and you were mad at me.” Donghyuck said, still lying on the bed facing the wall.  


“I know and I’m sorry that I didn’t reply sooner. You haven’t done anything. I love you.” Mark said slowly laying down next to the boy without touching him.  


Donghyuck turned around to face him. “You still love me?” Even in the dark, Mark could see the red rims around his eyes and his heart ached to know that Donghyuck had been crying.  


“I love you more than I could ever love anyone else. You are the only one for me. There’s nothing you could do to change that.” Mark whispered, smiling slightly. “Can I touch you?” After Donghyuck gave a small nod, Mark pulled him close and just hugged him until his breathing started to even out. With Donghyuck asleep in his arms, Mark vowed to himself that he would reply to Donghyuck in some way as soon as he could, even just a “hey, i love you. I can’t reply now but you haven’t done anything wrong.”  


To any outsider, it would look like Donghyuck had been unreasonably mad at Mark. They wouldn’t understand why Mark was so patient when he hadn’t done anything wrong. But Mark understood that it wasn’t about him. Donghyuck was mad at himself. He was mad because he constantly overthought simple things, mad because he had again made everything about himself when it didn’t have to do with him. It was a struggle for Mark to see his lover in so much pain. He didn’t know how to explain to Donghyuck that it’s okay to be upset, he wasn’t being selfish, and above all Mark loved him and all of his flaws.

\--------------------------

“Babe I’m leaving for class!” Donghyuck shouted.  


“Okay call me when you get there and when you leave.” Mark replied, “Oh wait! Here you’ll be hungry by your break.” Donghyuck smiled fondly at his boyfriend before taking the small container.  


“Thanks. I’ll see you later.” He said, turning to grab his bag. As he walks down the stairs in their building, his phone chimes.  


_you look cute today :) i love you._  


He smiles to himself. Mark had a way of making his heart flutter no matter what he said.  


_i love you too <3 _  


With that, he put his phone back into his pocket and started running so he wouldn’t be late to class.  


Later, as he opened the container Mark had given him, he saw the small pink note stuck to the lid.  


_I don’t know how you do it. You’re so smart and beautiful and I love you so much. I hope you have an amazing day today. God knows you deserve it._  


Donghyuck felt… loved. He felt like he was surrounded by warmth and sunshine. He felt secure, something which was rare.  


As his class finished, Donghyuck internally groaned. It had started raining during his lecture and he had forgotten his umbrella at home. He’d need to run to the bus station and pray that he didn’t get soaked.  


“Hey.” Donghyuck was startled out of his thoughts and turned toward the source of the sound.  


“Mark. What are you doing here?” Donghyuck said, moving to kiss his boyfriend on the cheek.  


“I came to pick you up. I wasn’t gonna let you walk home in the rain.” Mark said smiling down at him. “C’mon let’s go.”  


The small things matter. The small things were how Mark showed Donghyuck that he was good enough and Mark was here to stay. Those were the things that put Donghyuck’s heart at ease throughout the day. The random compliments and gestures were the things he clung to in his moments of doubt and uncertainty brought on by his anxiety.

\--------------------------

Donghyuck had been diagnosed with anxiety back in high school. The last time he had restful sleep was probably the 4th grade. For a while he had gotten it under control but then entered Mark Lee, the love of his life and a brand new source of anxiety. At first, he convinced himself that as long as Mark didn’t know about it, he could deal with it just as he did for the last 16 years. For two year, Mark knew nothing of his sleep problems and Donghyuck was perfectly fine with keeping it that way. Then all of a sudden, they were moving in together in a dorm with the rest of their band members. At first, he thought he could still hide it even if they were in the same room together.  


Their first night together, it was 1 AM when Mark had woken up and realised that his boyfriend still wasn’t asleep.  


“Baby, aren’t you tired?” Mark said, rubbing his eyes sleepily.  


“Mmm, no, I think I’m too excited from the move.” Donghyuck replied, running his fingers through Mark’s hair. “Go back to sleep.”  


Mark lazily draped his arms over Donghyuck’s waist and pulls him closer. “C’mere. I wanna cuddle.”  


Cuddling was good. Cuddling made Donghyuck feel protected which was almost enough to overpower the thoughts running through his head and let him sleep but it wasn’t enough. Just like how Donghyuck wasn’t good enough for Mark.  


As Donghyuck laid there, he could help but imagine what would happen when Mark found out that most nights he couldn’t sleep and when he did sleep, there would almost always be a nightmare waiting for him. Maybe it was best if Donghyuck roomed with someone else so he wouldn’t disturb Mark’s sleep too.  


The next morning when Mark woke up Donghyuck was already gone. Mark tossed the blanket to the side, making a mental note to come back and make the bed later. As he walked through the living room to the kitchen, he could already hear the sounds of breakfast being made.  


“Hi,” Mark wrapped his arms around Donghyuck and rested his chin on Donghyuck’s shoulder, “whatcha making?”  


Donghyuck turned around and placed a light kiss on Mark’s lips before pushing him off. “Pancakes. Set the table for me?” Mark chuckled lightly before kissing Donghyuck’s cheek.  


“On it.” Mark looked for the moving box label dishware and grabbed the plates and utensils from it. “How are you up before me? You weren’t asleep when I went to bed were you?”  


“New place so I couldn’t sleep that well but I’m fine. Don't worry.” Donghyuck felt bad for lying to Mark but he didn’t want him to think he was any weirder.  


It was only a few days later that Donghyuck realised he was so tired, he would inevitably fall asleep. That night he waited until Mark had fallen asleep before quietly getting out of bed and grabbing the spare blankets from the hall closet. He didn’t want to wake up Mark if he had a nightmare. It would be better if he slept on the couch  


As Donghyuck felt himself succumb to his sheer exhaustion, he knew he would be in for a bad night. He dreamt of losing Mark to someone who was better, less annoying, who didn’t have the same problems he did.  


Again, Mark woke up without Donghyuck next to him. This time as he walked through the living room, he saw a figure sleeping on the couch. Quietly he pulled the blanket down, only to find his boyfriend with tears slowly drying on his face. Slowly, he wiped the tears away before adjusting the blanket and leaving his love to sleep some more. The conversation would have to wait until later.  


When Donghyuck woke up, Mark didn’t say anything about finding the boy on the couch merely handing him the coffee and croissant he had bought from the cafe down the street. “Babe, we need to talk.” Mark said. As soon as he saw the panic that ran through Donghyuck’s eyes as those words, he rushed to add, “You haven’t done anything wrong. I just want to talk to you about something.”  


“Okay, let’s go to our room.” Donghyuck said hesitantly. Mark nodded, allowing Donghyuck to pull him by the hand to the room.  
As soon as they entered, Mark sat on the bed before patting the spot next to him. Once Donghyuck had settled in, Mark thought about the right way to word what he wanted to say.  


“Duckie, is everything okay? You either barely sleep or when you do you cry and I want to help.” Oh, Mark knew. He wanted to help now but it was only a time before he got tired of dealing with Donghyuck’s problems.  


Seeing the apprehensive look on Donghyuck’s face, Mark continued, “I don’t know what you’re thinking right now. But whatever the problem is I know we can find a solution together.”  


Donghyuck took a shaky breath, “I… have problems sleeping. Sometimes my mind won’t shut up and I can’t sleep and when I am sleeping I have nightmares pretty often.”  


Mark didn’t say anything. He didn’t know how to convey the emotions he felt. All he could do was hug Donghyuck as tight as possible, not wanting him to see the tears threatening to fall. “We will get through this. I will be here for you no matter what. So when you can’t sleep or have a nightmare, wake me up and we’ll figure it out together. I love you no matter what.”  


“I’m sorry, I know it’s inconvenient. I just didn’t want you to lose sleep too.” Donghyuck sighed.  


“It’s not inconvenient and I would lose more sleep knowing you were hurting and I wasn’t doing anything to help.” Mark said, pulling back to wipe away Donghyuck’s tears with the sleeves of his sweatshirt. “Right now, I know you’re tired. Is there something I can do to help you sleep for a little? We can talk more about this when you’ve rested.”  


“Just hold me. I don’t want to lose you.” Donghyuck said and Mark did just that letting him sleep in his arms.  


Once Donghyuck had woken up and felt marginally better, they started talking. Donghyuck told Mark about the nightmares he has about losing him and how there are nights 

where he has so many thoughts that he just can’t calm down enough to sleep. Mark promised that he would always be there for those nightmares so Donghyuck should just wake him up so they could talk about it. As for the thoughts, the solution presented itself that night as Donghyuck laid staring at the ceiling.  


Quietly, Mark started singing I.F.L.Y. by Bazzi.  


_I guess what I’m saying is I fucking love you._  


There was something about Mark’s voice that helped him clear his head and finally fall asleep. It didn’t work every time. There were always those nights where nothing could calm him but those days Mark made a point of staying up and helping Donghyuck talk himself down even through the craziest thoughts.  


“Would you ever leave me?” Donghyuck said out of the blue one night.  


“Never. You know I’m always going to be here for you right?” Mark would always reply, combing through Donghyuck’s hair.  


Then there were the nights Donghyuck woke up crying. Mark had become attuned to know when his boyfriend was having a nightmare. He would be shaking and Mark knew he had to be coaxed awake.  


“It’s okay baby. It’s just a dream. Come back to me. I’ll always be right here for you. Right here no matter what.” Mark would whisper sweet nothings until Donghyuck would come back to him and then wait until he was ready to talk about it and reassure him that he would never lose Mark.

\--------------------------

She was pretty. Mark and her looked good together. Some fan had shipped Mark with yet another female star. Normally none of these things mattered to Donghyuck but he knew that Mark and this girl were good friends. He knew that she was kind and sweet, the perfect girl. There were so many better people out there for Mark. Donghyuck was just holding him back. He could do so much better.  


“Let’s break up.” Mark had been laying on Donghyuck’s lap but instantly sat up when he heard these words.  


“What?”  


“Let’s break up.” He repeated in the same emotionless tone.  


“What is this about?” Mark pleaded, “Talk to me please.”  


“There’s nothing to talk about. I think we should break up.” Mark sighed frustratedly.  


“That’s not a reason. I need to know why you feel this way.” He whispered.  


“Look, I can’t do this okay?” Donghyuck sobbed, “I can’t do it anymore.” There were these days too where Donghyuck’s mind would jump too fast and he was lucky enough to find someone who knew that he was struggling and that he didn’t mean it.  


“Baby, no matter what it is you won’t have to do it alone. I’m right here for you.” Mark pulled Donghyuck close and just let him cry.  


“I’m not good enough. I don’t want you to be stuck with me. So please just let me go.” Donghyuck stuttered. He could feel his throat start to close up.  


“I’m not stuck with you. I love you. I don’t want anyone else so I’ll never just let you go like that.” Mark muttered.  


When he didn’t receive a response, Mark simply went “If you want to say something but you can't, can you tap my hand?”  


Donghyuck tapped his hand. Mark had learned the hard way that there were times where Donghyuck would start panicking and wouldn’t be able to communicate. During one of their first fights, Mark had taken this to mean that Donghyuck was giving him the silent treatment and simply got more upset. It had taken him time and patience to understand all the different ways a panic attack manifested depending on the situation.  


For now, he would simply hold Donghyuck until he was okay and they would talk through what happened.

\--------------------------

A lot of people ask Mark why he would go through all of this. How could he possibly be so perfect and understanding? To them, he simply says he would do anything for this boy. All of this is worth it for the days where Mark is overly stressed while songwriting and Donghyuck is right there with spicy ramen and a milkshake. It’s worth it for the days where they can simply lounge together and talk without running out of anything to say and the days where they just enjoy each other’s presence without saying a word. It’s worth it because for everything Mark does for Donghyuck, Donghyuck returns the favor in whatever way possible. Because that was how well they knew each other. It wasn’t easy at first and Mark wasn’t just born an angel but the best things weren’t easy. The best things were hard and required effort and time. But Mark knew this was the best thing he would ever have.

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be like 500 words of fluff but it turned into a wholeass 2.6k about anxiety and relationships i dont really remember how that happened tho.
> 
> Comment below if I should write more stuff like this. Also Im working on the other part of this story that explains the band au.


End file.
